Dealing With People Who Don't Want You to Change

It’s hard for us to change our ways. Even when we know exactly what changes would make our life happier, it takes planning, practice and persistence to successfully break old habits. Having supportive people in our corner to encourage us along the way makes the job much easier. Unfortunately, not everyone we hope will be in our corner always is.

Sometimes the very people we’re closest to are the ones who don’t want us to change, no matter how much better off we’d be if we did. Let’s say you’re a person who has always catered to everyone else’s needs and ignored your own. You volunteer to run errands, you go where others want to go, you do what they want to do. Only you’ve come to a point where you’re tired of turning yourself into a pretzel to please other people and decided it’s time to start pleasing yourself. It’s a great idea — just what take-charge living is all about—changing in ways that empower you and make your life richer and more satisfying.

Only guess what. Some of those people who benefited from you being subservient might feel quite inconvenienced to they discover you’re not at their beck and call any more. They don’t see your newfound independence as a great idea at all. Understandably, people may miss the things you used to do for them. Hopefully, most of them will encourage what’s best for you anyway. But there’s always the possibility of holdouts, people who resent you for daring to play by a new set of rules. You’ll hear about it too. “You used to be so thoughtful. What’s come over you?” Worse, “I can’t believe what a selfish bitch/bastard you turned into. Try thinking of someone besides yourself for a change!”

The situation gets even more complicated when your changed behavior is experienced not just as an inconvenience, but as a threat. If control and superiority are part of the other person’s self-image, they take it as a major loss when you no longer put them and their needs ahead of your own. Feeling that way, the person may do more than complain and actively try to sabotage the changes you are making.

To take a concrete example, suppose your spouse is a control freak who is accustomed to dictating how every little thing is done around the house. You finally decide you’ve had enough and begin doing some things your way. That attacks your spouse’s belief in her/his superiority, the legitimate top dog of the household who has every right to expect your conformity. A person invested in that kind of self -image will not give up easily, so expect criticism and resistance.

I’m sure you can think of examples, perhaps from your own immediate circle of friends and family, in which one person’s changes threaten someone else with loss. That happens when a couple abuses alcohol together, but one decides to quit. It happens when a meek person finally stands up to a bully, or walks out on an abusive relationship, or challenges a boss, or takes action against an intrusive neighbor, or question a doctor’s decisions. The possible scenarios are endless.

Resistance to your changes can take many forms, from subtle to direct and even aggressive. For Anne, a college senior working hard to try to lose weight, resistance came from her mother pushing food during her weekend visits home. The mother, a fabulous cook whose own weight is testimony to how much she enjoys her creations, pushes food on anyone who sets foot in her house. Any refusal is a blow to her ego. Anne’s refusals — and it takes willpower to refuse a second helping of her mother’s beef bourguignon or pass on luscious banana cream pie — are met with, “Just a taste. Try it. It’s delicious. You’re thin enough, Annie. The obsession with weight in this country is ridiculous. Here, have a small piece,” her mother says, pushing a huge slice Anne’s way.If Anne pushes it back, her mother acts crushed. Tired of the struggle and determined to stick with her diet, Anne makes excuses and quits coming home weekends.

Much nastier is the resistance a woman named Shannon ran into after she checked herself into an inpatient drug treatment program. Having abused both drugs and alcohol for years and recently attempting suicide, eighteen-year-old Shannon was desperate. The treatment program, which incorporated the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve-step approach, was wonderful for her. A fundamental of such programs is asserting that alcoholism is a disease and total abstinence is the only way to deal with it. Shannon’s rehabilitation program also requested that families attend certain group therapy sessions. Shannon’s parents were divorced, and her mother was out of the country. Her father Amos, a clinical psychologist and flaming alcoholic himself, agreed to come. In flagrant disregard of his daughter, the other patients, and the treatment staff, Amos used his considerable verbal skills and clinical knowledge to pontificate to the patients about how alcoholism is not a disease and how controlled drinking is completely realistic for them. Why would a father do this to a daughter in such desperate need of help? Amos’s resistance and his attempt to smear the program that was helping Shannon was a self-centered effort to rationalize his own excesses with alcohol. By attacking the program, he could justify his own drinking and not admit to himself that he needed help as much as any patient in the room.

Whatever its form, resistance from others complicates your task. You sure don’t need this kind of discouragement when you’re trying to break old patterns of behavior. Here are some things to help you deal with it and move ahead anyway.

Only One Life to Live

Let’s start with the most basic and most obvious point. You only get one life to live. You have a perfect right to take charge of that life. It is you, not others, who need to determine how you want to be and what would make you happiest. Then you pursue being that way. When that means transforming some things about yourself, you do it with or without other people’s blessing. Improving yourself by changing your ways does not mean ignoring other people or being insensitive or inconsiderate of them. It also does not mean bowing to their whims and wishes instead of pursing your own goals. Your job, when you sense resistance from others, is to stay on your chosen course of change. Try to deal as directly and constructively as you can with anyone trying to stop you. Whatever you do, do not let them stop you and keep you stuck in your old ways.

If such thinking represents a radical shift of perspective for you, part of your job is to work at opening yourself up to new ideas. Changing your thinking most definitely helps you change how you act.

If you run into resistance, assess its significance. How important is this person to you? How big is their issue? Are you merely inconveniencing their life a little, or truly threatening them by doing things differently? If this relationship truly matters to you, I urge you to seriously consider talking frankly with the person. Do it in a considerate way, but speak candidly about the resistance you are experiencing. Be sure to specifically request that the person stop whatever it is they are doing that undermines your efforts to change. Make it clear that you intend to go forward with your new ways of doing things. Then, stick with your plan.

I’m not saying that sticking with it is easy. People trying to prevent you from changing feel threatened that your growth means their loss. Some of those people can be extremely difficult to deal with. But this is your life we’re talking about. Your one and only life. Unless you are willing to remain stuck and condemned to a way of a life you do not like, it is imperative you stick to your plan once you have decided that it is best for you to change. Trust your decision, and continue forging ahead. You have a perfect right to forge ahead and transform yourself into the person you want to be.

Forging ahead gets lots easier when you have some people who are supporting what you are trying to do. In the face of someone who wants to stop you from changing, encouragement from supportive people is invaluable for staying with your program and moving forward. I strongly urge you to contact those friends and family you know would be in your corner. Tell them about the changes you’re trying to make. Don’t be shy or indirect. Line up people to be there for you when your spirits sag and you need a pep talk and openly ask for their support.

Do you normally wait for others to reach out to you? Please don’t do that this time. Take the lead. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Pay a visit. As The Beatles famously sang many years ago, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Take that to heart and get a little — or a lot — of help from your friends. Being able to call on supportive people can be the difference between success and failure. And stay sharp as to who your real friends are. A dear friend wisely counseled me many years ago, “Don’t look for comfort from the source of your oppression.”

I’ll close by noting the benefits of social support and positive relationships go beyond dealing with people who don’t want you to change. Scientists have shown that supportive friends and family, in addition to feeling good and helping us to stay motivated, promote mental and physical health and sometimes actually prolong life. So don’t be the Lone Ranger. Support from your friends is free. It feels good, and it is accessible. Let them help you work your way towards your goals.

Free Self Help Articles: http://worthyarticles.com

Marion K. Jacobs, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist in Laguna Beach, California, Adjunct Professor at UCLA and self-help expert. Her book and CD, Take-Charge Living: How to Recast Your Role in Life…One Scene At A Time offer a detailed plan for personal change. To learn more visit Take-Charge Living.

Related keywords: personal growth, personal change, personal development, take charge living

Please Rate Dealing With People Who Don't Want You to Change

5 out of 54 out of 53 out of 52 out of 51 out of 5 

Not yet Rated