One Real Change Beats a Thousand Daydreams

What is the one thing about yourself that you’d most like to change? Something you know would make your life much happier. Lose weight? Get out of a bad relationship? Be more assertive? Quit procrastinating? Curb your anger? Quit lying? Find a mate? Change jobs? Improve your sex life? Whatever your problem, however many times you may have tried in the past, I’m here to tell you there’s lots you can do to fix it now.

The answer is not The Secret. You cannot simply think your way to happiness. Not that positive thinking isn’t terrific, it is. Positive thinking gets you to focus on your goals rather than your unhappiness, but that is only one step on the road to improving your life.

Successful change requires taking action, handling the problem in a different way than you have in the past. Thinking about it, wishing, daydreaming, repeating old behaviors, none of that works. Only an actual change in your behavior will move you in a new direction to fix the problem.

But if you’re like most of us, much as you may want to change, when the time comes to actually do things differently, negative feelings get in the way. Everybody wants to feel ready to change before they get going. “As soon as I lose 20 pounds, I’ll try to find a guy.” “When I don’t feel so depressed, I’m definitely going to look for a job.”

Or sometimes when people’s feelings resist change, they decide change is totally impossible for them. “It’s my nature to be shy. There’s nothing I can do about that.” “It would make me too nervous to give up cigarettes.” “AA can’t help. My father was alcoholic and so was my grandfather. It’s genetic.”

Wanting to feel ready to change before taking action is exactly backwards. As a clinical psychologist who has spent many years helping people successfully change, I know that if you wait to feel ready to make your move, you could wait forever. But the good news is, with the right roadmap, it’s perfectly possible to move yourself forward without feeling ready. We don’t like to go against our own feelings, but in the situations I’m talking about, it isn’t dangerous to do so, just uncomfortable. And there are techniques you can learn to handle that discomfort and move forward anyway.

What are the real “secrets” to successful change? First off understanding that change takes time, so be patient and remember to pat yourself on the back for the effort you make. You’ll also need a solid plan and techniques like Mindfulness training to help you manage any emotional resistance to change that you may experience. Finally, just as an actor rehearses, you’ll need to practice and fine-tune your new behavior before trying it out in the real world.

Making a personal change that you know will improve your life better is a very empowering experience. Don’t let your feelings and fears stop you. Your life is not a dress rehearsal. Choose to make the most of it!

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Marion K. Jacobs, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist in Laguna Beach, California, Adjunct Professor at UCLA and self-help expert. Her book and CD, Take-Charge Living: How to Recast Your Role in Life…One Scene At A Time offer a detailed plan for personal change. To learn more visit Take-Charge Living.

Related keywords: self help, inspiration, self worth, self growth, self awareness, personal change

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